insanity

TEMPORARY INSANITY … I HOPE

on August 19, 2008

For some reason, I experienced about 12 to 14 hours of temporary insanity today. Well, it started last night and continued this morning. For the first time in my life, I had an anxiety attack. The real thing. And as I told one of my friends who has these things all the time, it’s no wonder she has to be medicated. Seriously, I would have done anything for medication this morning.

I would love to say this is all due to PMS. I’d even feel better about it if it were. But it’s not. It’s pretty much due to a combination of life and my own procrastination. You see, I have a great deal on my plate right now and this weekend something else got added. Something new and out of the blue and it threw me off balance. I’m all about balance. Honestly, I’m a control freak in some ways. A laid-back control freak if that’s at all possible.

Last night when I laid down to sleep, something happened. My heart started racing and though I was so tired my eyes hurt, I couldn’t close them. I laid there staring straight ahead, voices and thoughts racing through my mind. Then I had trouble breathing. In the buzz and confusion I somehow figured out it was an anxiety attack. And I have NEVER had an anxiety attack.

All the things I need to do by Sunday came flying at me. And then the fact that there’s more to do than time to do it in made matters worse. Throw in relationship confusions and upheavals on several fronts and the room started to spin. I got up, moved around, got some water, but nothing helped. Then I came up with a tiny solution to one of my problems and felt better enough about it that I fell asleep.

Now, this is the really weird part. As soon as I woke up, the attack was back. Only worse. I thought I was having a heart attack in the shower. A heart attack mixed with an Asthma attack since I couldn’t catch a full breath for nearly twenty minutes. I actually spent the entire time while drying my hair yelling at the person in the mirror that she is NOT crazy and this is NOT how she behaves. She must have listened somewhat because I was breathing normal when I left the house.

Thankfully, I work in my own office so I walked into work (wearing sunglasses to cover the tear-swollen eyes) and closed my door. The adrenaline rush lent a hand to getting several tasks done and out of the way. A good talk with a co-worker helped and then reading an article about a woman dealing with breast cancer gave me some much needed perspective. Trust me when I say, the causes behind this hissie-fit were no where near the level of cancer. Thank goodness and knock on wood other than painful knees there were no health related issues at all.

Sometime after lunch I made the conscious decision to take my sanity back. And I have been SO MUCH BETTER since. But now I wonder how to make sure this doesn’t happen again? Am I reaching some new phase of womanhood where dancing too close to the edge can actually send me over it? Is this some hormone overload or just normal emotional overload? As a very practical and rational person, I’m not happy to say I didn’t recognize that woman in the mirror this morning.